How to Win a Republican Primary Debate

How to Win a Republican Primary Debate

Talk about how poor you were growing up and how you want to make poor people even poorer.

Say you want to get rid of the department of education (because the only book you need is the Bible. Also, reading is HARD.

Fight with your opponent about who has the bigger penis is going to build a bigger wall at the border.

Reference the Bill of Rights, especially the part about making sure crazy people can have guns because RIGHTS.


Tell people about how you created jobs overseas.

Remind everyone that the American people want to hear jokes about what an ugly lesbian Rosie O’Donnell is the TRUTH.

When asked about Isis, remind everyone that Obama is Muslim, which is why he gave Iran a nuclear bomb.

Say that Planned Parenthood sells babies, which is why women shouldn’t have healthcare.

Mention some things that this country was founded on like freedom, hard work, and wealthy, slave owning white men.

Christian God and white Jesus are great.

Say that you want to educate people about creationism and how global warming isn’t real.

Remind everyone that religious freedom means the right to discriminate against gays, force prayer in school keep women in the goddamn kitchen patriotism.

If you can’t remember the punch line to your joke, just say “Washington.”

Explain that you don’t hate women, brown people, or gays you just dont think they should have rights .

Make it clear that you benefited from Obama improving the economy fixed the economy in your state.

Bonus points if you can link Putin and Hillary Clinton’s email.

If all else fails, remember: Obamacare is for Nazis socialists.

Make it clear you’re “against illegal immigration” instead of admitting that you think “brown people are scary.”

Talk about how great this country used to be before women or black people could vote.

Don’t worry about the Facebook questions. Your mom wrote them.



2 thoughts on “How to Win a Republican Primary Debate

  1. You said it all so very very well……I did not get to watch the debates so I came here to get the rundown…..Honestly, just to find out exactly what Trump said……Not concerned with anyone else who was there and I probably can’t name a single one besides Rand Paul. I am completely enjoying the comedy of this coming election, let the games begin!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Someday you’ll grow up and see how things really work… And exactly that moment you’ll remember this post and realize how naive you were.

    If you like your doctor, you can keep your doctor. Period. If you like your plan, you can keep your plan. Period.

    Keep coming back.


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